The Anderson Chicago Theorems

So I'm at Trinity right now, and I had an observation to make while driving through Gary. No matter when I drive through there, whether it be morning or night, weekend or weekday, it seems like there is always more traffic going into Chicago then out of it. I came to some startling conclusions when mathematically analyzing the data. Here are my results, maybe I'll write up a paper for some prestigious math journal or something. Lemma 1: The population of Chicago is expanding. Proof: Let C be the population of Chicago, X be the rate at which people are leaving, and Y the rate at which people are coming in. Then, C' = (approx.) Y - X. As noted, Y > X, so therefore C' is postive. QED. Axiom 1: The birth rate and death rate for Chicago are neglible compared to C'. Justification: This can always be controlled if necessary to make the results of this theorem work better, either by limiting Mafia activity or providing defective birth control. Lemma 2: C" is zero or positive. Proof: Suppose that C" were negative. But then traffic at Gary would get better over time. This appears to be a logical contradiction, so therefore C" is zero or postive. (Alternatively, outbound traffic could be getting worse, but in my vast experience of 1 and a half years this does not appear to be the case). QED. Axiom 2: C will not have an inflection point, or is linear. Justification: Because that makes my theory more interesting. Lemma 3: C is monotonically increasing and not approaching an equilibrium point. Proof: See Lemmas 1, 2, and Axioms 1,2. QED. Lemma 4: Chicago will either a) engulf the whole earth, or b) the earth will blow apart due to the weight of too many people. Proof: Let (W - C) be the population of the world oustside of Chicago. As C' is positive, (W - C)' is negative unless the birth rate/death rate ratio for (W - C) is large enough. If it is, there are an awful lot of people being born on the rest of the planet, so it stands to reason that the planet will explode because of it (though as in Axiom 1 this ratio can be controlled, so we can prevent this case). Otherwise, C will eventually include all of (W - C) and so Chicago will hold the entire population of the world. QED. Theorem 1: Chicago will reach critical mass and either attain sentience or nuclear fission. Proof: As the population of Chicago is increasing (to the point of including the entire world's population), and the size of Chicago is apparently not increasing as quickly, eventually there will be a high enough level of population density that either Chicago will start acting as a giant brain with an AI of its own (see Serial Experiments: Lain for an example on a global scale), or will act as a giant plutonium atom and start a nuclear reaction, whichever would make a better sci fi film. QED. Theorem 2: There will eventually be hordes of undead outside of Chicago. Proof: As proven by axiom 2, there cannot be an equilibrium point in C, so even after (W - C) is 0 C' will still be postive. This will make (W - C) negative, and the only way this could be is if there are mindless zombies entering Chicago through Gary. This entails that there will be said zombies in the population of (W - C). QED. I realize that this research will be startling to some, and perhaps even mildly controversial, but the math proves that this must be the case. Such grisly results for the future of humanity should be prepared for at once. One possible plan of action is to start watching as many sci-fi and horror films as possible in order to be ready for whatever Chicago and the world may throw at us.