This post will be a bit more introspective than many of the previous, so be warned. However, I want to get it down into a more coherent form, and maybe other people can relate. I think most of this is in the comments to previous posts, and maybe even in some posts themselves, but I'll put it down here. I know that I personally like hearing other people's introspection; that's why I read, because that's the closest I can get to figuring out how other people actually live, from the inside. So, here's the more psychological reasons behind my struggles in the faith, both recently and stretching back for a while.
More or less, I just don't really trust anyone. I've never been good at trust period. I was raised in a house where the motto was "If you want it done right, do it yourself." Group projects always disgusted me, because I was usually the one who would pull the group along. I haven't really had many good experiences with relying on other people, and this along with my control-freak personality does not really incline me towards delegation.
My current theological crises then arise from the fact that, built upon this, I feel betrayed by the people who were supposed to know what they were talking about. My churches growing up didn't really know what they were talking about, and I am deeply suspicious concerning the Evangelical scholars in the field, past and present. I may not be the biblical scholar that they are, but I am training to be an expert in analyzing assumptions, following logical flow, and detecting subtleties and nuances; it is in these areas where the scholars seem to be severely deficient. At any rate, if I am underestimating them, they certainly aren't putting forth their best reasonings for me to see, which leaves me in the same position. I tried for a time to put aside my own misgivings, to tell myself that those who have studied things longer really understand the field better than me, and I should listen to them. However, two problems have shaken my confidence: 1) when I ask the relevant questions, I can never get the answers I need, and 2) for every able scholar one one side of an issue, there appears to be an equally competent scholar on the other side; without being biased toward a side already, which one should I trust? Granted, sometimes reason can guide one towards one side or another, but that takes a lot of work and time to look through the issues oneself and there are too many issues.
Perhaps there is another book, another author, out there for me to read, another person for me to talk to, but to be perfectly honest, I'm weary. I've gone through too many books which other people have raved about, which have either a) made me want to start a bonfire, or b) have presented interesting views which at least present something more sophisticated, but which leave me wondering why I should accept the view in question.
The problem is, that while I have lost trust in others, I also realize how little trust I can place in myself and my own reasonings. If everyone else thinks that they are so correct when their work is so shoddy, why am I any exception? Fair is fair, after all. So I can neither ignore the crowd around me and trust to myself, nor can I listen to it. I can only hope that, maybe, God will have mercy on me. It doesn't appear that he gives that mercy out terribly liberally, however. So, in the meantime, all I have to go off of is the beauty of various proposals. I'm inclined to think that aesthetics is not a terribly reliable guide to truth, but what else do I have, besides a bit a reason to guide it along every now and then? Most skeptics aren't really all that involved in their skepticism; true skepticism leaves you a wreck, as you think that there is something tremendously important which you need to know (you can't take the easy way out and say "We can't know anything. Oh well."), and so you pursue it even though you don't think you can ever find it.
I think that I could even handle this, except for Calvinism and soteriological exclusivism. I can intellectually deny the former, and at least don't see much in the way of grounds for the latter (and this through philosophy, theology, and biblical studies). However, they still hold a pull on my emotions, and as I don't trust my reason, I can never completely be rid of them. People within the fold seem to have no problem asserting such doctrines, and even (at least with Calvinism) talk about what wonderful hope they offer. Frankly, they terrify me. Faith is a struggle for me, the hardest work that anyone could posit. Why should I think that I am one of God's elect? Sure, I could simply give up my integrity and relax, and let faith take over, but I have decided that if Christianity and the pursuit of Truth take different paths, than I must take the latter. I could let go and simply do what seems to be the best thing insofar as I can see, except that exclusivism tells me that it has to be exactly the right thing or I'm screwed. People tell me to "Just have faith;" I really want to smack those people. I'm sure that this "simple" faith they talk about pulls in almost a complete theology in and of itself.
Most Christians with whom I talk want to simplify the situation, either through special experiences (which I do not have much of), rational arguments (which never adequately respond to objections), or brute force ("Christianity is right. Accept it."). Quite honestly, the church disgusts me with its naiveté. It can't even help those within it who struggle, let alone outside of it. I'm not really sure where God is in all of this; I hear the people around me discussing his every move in our lives, but it looks to me as if blind chance could be an equally possible suggestion. When things go right, people talk about Providence, but they don't acknowledge the negatives in life in the same fashion. They tell me that God works everything for good, but the advice I get sounds more like how I can bear whatever happens, irregardless of whether there is a God. The practical tips people give concerning the Christian life seem to be more psychological than anything, and eerily reminiscent to what I hear from Buddhist thinkers.
I am currently a Christian because I like Christ's moral example better than anyone else's, and because I find some rational arguments which can tip me over the fence, even if they don't convince me. Beyond that, I just can't stand the church in which I was raised, or related churches. Intellection for me isn't an abstract game, it is a way of communicating the problems of the world in an honest way, to at least attempt to love those who have the courage to do the same by sharing my paltry insights so that we may make it through this life together. I just find depressingly few people who are willing to take the journey, and I can't help but think that this is to some extent a deep, deep problem within the church, something which reaches out of its roots instead of a surface issue. Protestantism has been spoiled for me, and I don't really feel up to the heartache involved in more sifting through the drivel, trying to find some answers. Contemporary Catholic congregations may be just as bad if not worse, but I have more to work from in terms of the history. Maybe this isn't a very good reason for conversion, but I don't even really consider it conversion any more; I'm outside the Protestant church as much as the Catholic presently.
So, that is my current struggle of this nut in a nutshell. I want to be able to convert to something, to commit to something, but confusion, doubt, and fear surround everything. I want to be free of this so that I can go forward. I want to know some sort of peace so that I can be free to love, to leave the introspection. But in the meantime, I must remain. I can't bear to do to others what I've seen happening, and I am scared that I will choose the wrong path; I have no reason to think that I will choose rightly, or that I will have much help along the way, but I'll mislead more people around me by standing still than by pressing forward.