A New Direction

I've been doing anti-apologetics here for a while, and I think that I'm at an end. The arguments aren't perfect, and I don't think that they will convince every open mind or that they will open many closed ones, but I'm satisfied. I see little or no rational reason to believe in Christianity, and no reason to non-rationally believe in Christianity. In addition, I find myself becoming increasingly a worse human being the longer I stay on the fence on the issue; the polemic spirit, the hot-headedness toward those who don't want to try to understand other positions, the bitterness toward the church, and the self-centeredness of being so focused on preventing my own damnation through reasoning (not that I didn't have these traits before, my struggles are just making them worse). If exclusivist Christianity is true, I'll go to Hell unless God decides to love the creation which God decreed must lack the support of blind faith; and I'll just have to accept that and try to be a better human being while I'm alive before roasting to the Glory of god. In the meantime, I'm going to start trying to make positive cases for other religions, and I'm going to start with Buddhism.

Why Buddhism? Well, in part, because I see no other choice. I desperately need a community around me, both for social reasons and for wisdom and support. The latter in particular is important; I need some wisdom for my life, and I need it from people that I know can rationally look at the world and critically assess it. I don't see much of that in the church, nor have I had much practical advice for how to achieve the Christian life (which somehow isn't a work, though it takes an awful lot of effort). So, I need to find some social group with religious concerns.

Other revealed monotheisms fail for the same reasons as Christianity; they never support their claims enough to give me something to legitimately trust. Plus, I see very little evidence of providence or a personal God. So, Islam, theistic Hinduisms, and Judaism are out (not that the latter is looking for converts). I see more philosophically inclined Hinduisms as still too ethnic, at least in my area; the same for Jainism and Sikhism (I want a religion, not a cultural get-together, and I want something with some experience in adapting itself to different cultures). Liberal Christianity and Unitarianism seem to lack any cohesion; even less liberal churches have struck me as more like congenial get-togethers with "inspiring" messages. Do-it-yourself religion doesn't really appeal to me; I plan on cobbling my own thoughts together from different sources, but I want to pull from the best of those traditions through the last couple thousand years and under the guidance of people from those traditions. I'm not sure where Baha'i fits in; there is a nearby temple, but I'm wary of too-new religions. And Pluralism? I can't stomach the thought of deluding myself into the mythological type, if I have any thought that some religion could be substantially more right than others; and I'm too skeptical of reason for the Rationalist sort. I'm not sure of what other sorts I could find.

Buddhism seems to be the remaining choice, at least for a start. It entails less commitments, if nothing else; the doctrine of non-self seems to be more important from a phenomenological standpoint than a metaphysical one (some traditions even sound like Neoplatonism or Vedantic Hinduism, when pushed), and while most versions are officially atheistic, I don't see how this is necessitated (and indeed, in Euro-American contexts some Buddhist thinkers have used God-language; it just can't be a personal God who demands specific worship for the ultimate good of our souls). If nothing else, meditation looks like a way to calm me down, get me out of this pit of anxiety and depression, and help to be less of a nuisance to my wife, while I'm looking for something else.

So, which kind of Buddhism? There are three kinds in particular which I would take seriously:

1. Theravada: They have Vipassana meditation, which seems to make even less metaphysical demands than other schools (it is quite often billed as "non-religious", not requiring you to sign onto any specific beliefs other than that this sort of meditation may help you somehow). Theravada Buddhism also doesn't have much in the way of speculation or pantheons. However, I do find their reasoning to be overly simplistic when they do start doing their metaphysics, which would be necessary for prolonged practice.
2. Zen: A wonderfully iconoclastic way of cutting through the BS of life. Again, most Zen places around here don't care what religion you are, and the Buddhist oaths at least for the Chicago Zen Center are pretty non-committal (they are ethical precepts, which I could have taken without a problem as a Christian). But I'm concerned that Zen cuts out a little too much; I don't understand how it could critique a corrupt community, even if it can make individuals better. Having done a thesis on potential ethical problems in D. T. Suzuki's writings has sensitized me to this issue, as well (and has also lead to my dissatisfaction with Christian notions of a leap of faith, for similar reasons; ditch careful rational thinking and you lose social criticism).
3. Tibetan: Upfront about its commitments, and it does fit better with some of my Platonic ways of viewing the world; it (especially insofar as influenced by Yogacara) really does strike me as Buddhist Neoplatonism, or maybe Vedanta with a transcendental turn. It would be an easier way of staying philosophical within Buddhism, given the Tibetan scholastic tradition and their rigorous debates. But some of the stuff in some schools is just crazy; I would need to find one that doesn't do guru yoga, at least.

Perhaps I could find a less sectarian place, which could combine some of these features. Or maybe that would get back into DIY religion. I don't know. So, let's see whether there is any hope toward finding some intellectual stability (probably not).